Would you change things?

I know it's been a while since I was able to blog, and I'll get in to that in another post. Today's post is about the dream I woke from this morning, which is still pretty clear in my mind. It's sort of a dream with time travel -- big surprise there, right?

One of the things that I don't remember is how I time-traveled. It was some wholly ridiculous thing, I'm sure, and I don't remember the TARDIS being involved. I guess dream-Justin isn't Gallifreyan?

This was not involved. Sadface.
(source)

What I do remember is that, somehow, I time-traveled to the early 2000s. Or my mind traveled. Something like that. It was kind of like getting a "Game Over" screen and starting from a way-earlier point. You know what's going to happen, but you're otherwise the same as you were then. I was the physically-awkward teenager that didn't weigh nearly as much as I do now, and was still of the mind that I was too big. The only thing that was different was my mind.

Some parts of the dream were a lot harder than the others. I still feel the emotion that dream-me felt on seeing my Grandpa alive again, and my mom and step-dad happy again. The determination to change some things, but keep some things the same. In the dream, I had resolved to still work at the hotel, so I could meet Jim and eventually Jynni, but I also decided that I wanted to try and get my grandpa and step-dad to quit smoking in hopes of preventing their deaths.

I also remember wanting to fix my education fuck-ups, and actually graduate with my class instead of getting my diploma a year later. Some of the stuff that I wanted to do in the dream is unimportant in the grand scheme of things, and some of it could possibly change my life so much.

The part that really got me thinking was dream-Justin's insistence on working at the hotel so that I could befriend Jim, and eventually meet Jynni. I'm very happy being with her, and even if I could go back and change these things, unimportant and important both, I don't know if things would have worked the same way. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten hired at the hotel, and would've ended up never meeting Jynni, but still having the knowledge of how happy I am with her.

I guess the point of this post is a question: if you could go back and relive your life with knowledge of how events had gone, would you change things? Or would you suffer through the same issues that made you want to change things in the first place?

As for me, I think I'm good with how things are. Sure, I'd love for Jynni and her daughter to be able to meet my grandpa, and for my mom and step-dad to have been able to be together still. But the potential cost is too much. It's not worth maybe sacrificing the love I have now, even if the life I have now isn't my ideal life.

RIP David Cain

Today marks three years since my grandpa died, and I'll admit, I wasn't looking forward to today. I miss my grandpa.

I wasn't raised by my parents. When I was really little, my grandparents sued for custody over my sister and me. There's a lot of reasons on both sides of the argument, but it boils down to my grandparents getting custody. So, that was a little different. I was raised a little old-fashioned, and a little sheltered, too. Which isn't to say that I resented it, because I have a lot of good memories from growing up, right alongside the bad like everyone else.

If I remember right, one of my earlier detailed memories of my grandpa is from Christmas Eve when I was probably 6 or 7 years old. Our family has always opened gifts from each other on Christmas Eve, and the kids opened their "Santa" gifts on Christmas Day. So, grandpa was at the tree doing his annual duty of calling out who each present was for and handing it to them, and I remember him calling out my grandma's name for this GIANT box. We were all so curious what was in it, because it looked big enough for one of those big chest freezers.

When my grandma got the wrapping paper off and cut open the tape, it was filled with packing peanuts. I'm sure my memory is exaggerating thinga, but it seems like I remember her almost diving into the thing when she realized it wasn't something big. Eventually, one hell of a mess later, she pulled some jewelry out from the bottom of the box.

That's the kind of sense of humor that grandpa had. He was sarcastic, and when I was younger, very appreciative of messing with people. He never really held a grudge on people, and unlike some of my younger cousins who only got to see him as a drunk old man, I've got a lot of good memories of him teaching me to cook, and sharing stories of his time in the army and the stupid things he and his brothers did. I still remember a few of them, and wish that it was possible for him to be around to share them when I have kids of my own.

Sorry if any of this post is a downer, but three years ago today, I lost the guy who might as well be my dad. And I miss him. I'll be fun tomorrow.